confessions of a bodywarrior

Hi guys!
So a bit of a personal post today. If you’re not into that and only here to look at pretty clothes (hey, I don’t blame you :p), then back away slowly.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the fakeness of social media. Any random browse through facebook will tell you: everyone’s life is amazing. Like, REALLY amazing. But underneath that perfect glossy exterior, there are less-than-perfect people leading less-than-perfect lives. I don’t know about you guys, but my facebook timeline pretty much looks like this:

So consider this post an homage to reality!
I’m a bodywarrior. I stand up for and believe in the idea that everyone has the right to have a body the way they want to. That we should always love ourselves no matter what, cause everyone is beautiful and awesome in their own special way. And all of that is true. What I usually don’t mention though, is how hard it can be.
There are plenty of women out there, in all sizes, who have always felt pretty great about themselves and their bodies and never had any real struggles. I’m not one of them. I struggle sometimes. My journey to bodypositivity and body acceptance is not a perfect one.
For instance: even though I love the beach and love to swim and love bikini’s and love to tan and encourage all women to go ahead and wear a bikini if they want to, I myself have never actually worn a bikini to the beach until last summer. And that was only cause I have an incredibly loving and supportive boyfriend who knows to push me out of my comfortzone (in a good way). Oh, and because we were on a private beach, in a place where I didn’t know any of the other people. How brave.
I think of all the times that I was worried about the harsh sunlight making my cellulite look bad, or if my stomach looked flat enough when I laid down. All the times I tried to look for something to cover my stomach with when sitting down, or put my clothes on again when going to get a drink, cause I was too embarassed to walk over there in my bathingsuit… I could have been having fun, laughing with friends, enjoying the sun, running to the water, building sandcastles… But I didn’t. Cause I was too worried about my body.
I can’t count the numbers of times I tried on a bikini in the story and completey broke down at the sight of myself in a two-piece (on a sidenote: when are they going to fix the horrid lighting in those cabins???). I would close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at myself anymore, sit down in the changing cabin and silently cry because I was so disgusted and disappointed by what I saw in the mirror.
Reading this really hurts me. And I know it’s absurd. I’m not ugly. I know I’m beautiful. I’m proud of my body. And besides all of that, I’m a pretty great person, and I have no problem saying that because it’s true. So to know that I can feel such strong negative feelings about my own body is pretty shocking.
What’s even more shocking is thinking about the thousands of beautiful and amazing girls and women out there, of all shapes and sizes, who feel just like me sometimes or all the time. What a complete waste of awesomeness.
I’m working REALLY hard on accepting myself and loving myself. Just the way I am, flaws and everything. And even though it’s amazing and exciting and wonderful, it’s also probably one of the scariest and most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.
So there you have it. The ugly truth. I’m not saying this because I pity myself (no sad violin music here!), or to fish for compliments (I’ve already told myself how pretty and awesome I am *pats herself on back*). I guess I just hope someone will read this and feel a bit better about themselves afterwards. It’s okay to love yourself but not be so sure of that every now and then. You are not alone in this feeling. You can get to a much better place though, one step at a time, and you will hopefully inspire others to do the same. If I could just do that, for one person, that would already be beyond anything I could hope for.
That’s my truth: the road to loving yourself, to self-acceptance, to being a bodywarrior… it’s not always easy. But it’s worth it.